I woke up late this morning because I had stayed up all night trying to distract my mind from work by watching TV, practicing my French, doing homework assignments, and scrolling YouTube, but all of my efforts were pointless. I ended up back on the computer, obsessing over my grading queue, even though I knew I needed to obey the boundary I had set for myself this semester; no work after dinner.
Thatโs what anxiety does. It causes me to fixate on things that really should be set aside, like grading papers that can wait until morning or a problem that canโt be fixed in the middle of the night. Although I have had my issues with worrying, anxiety is different from worry because anxiety doesnโt always come with fear for me. Instead, it may come with obsessive thoughts. Whatever Iโm fixated on, I have to think about it over and over and over. Often it comes with my need to work out a problem, a minor problem that may not even need fixing in the moment. Other times, Iโm trying to avoid problems that I feel may come later on down the road. And then there are the times when Iโm lamenting over something that already happened. In whatever form, anxiety wiggles its way into the back of my brain, finds my hampster wheel, and kicks into high gear. As Iโve gotten older, I am able to recognize whatโs happening, but sometimes I just canโt get it to stop. There are different degrees to it, and praise God, lately, it has only cost me sleep.
Maybe it isnโt anxiety for you, but Iโm sure you have a thing, too. We all do. That one thing that keeps you from sleeping or eating right or paying attention to what really matters mostโฆGod, family, and friends.
There are strategies that we put in place to help us manage this thing. For example, I talk to myself when obsessing about something that is completely out of my control, โYvonne, calm down. You canโt fix this right now. Youโll find a solution later. Trust yourself.โ Another tool in my box is writing. Writing actually calms my anxiety, whether it be journaling, writing my blog, or writing a paper about something Iโm interested in, there is a sense of peace I glean from arranging and rearranging words to construct something meaningful. Maybe your toolbox looks different for your thing, like taking the appropriate medication or seeing a therapist that is right for you. But with all these tools, prayer should be our first response. Not only our first but our second, third, fourth, and continual response. We must engage with God.
Godโs presence in prayer illuminates an eternal perspective over our very dark momentary situation (Exodus 33:12-23). Laying down your burdens releases the weight of your day-to-day trials (Matt. 11:25-30). Godโs peace is incomprehensible and surpasses your finite view of the world (Phil. 4:6-7). In prayer, the Holy Spirit kneels with you, lies prostrate with you, and cries out with you (Romans 8:26-28). When you face an adversary, the words of your spirit, whether verbal or internal, protect you from harm (Isaiah 54:17). Prayerโฆjust hits different (as the young people say).
Anxiety feels like Iโm drowning, sinking further and further beneath the surface. Itโs suffocating. But I can no longer sit and wait until my lungs are burning. I donโt want to come to the surface gasping and choking because I waited beneath the water for way too long. I want to glide through the water, tilting my head for air as I swim with stamina and strength. Prayer is the air I breathe.
This is the Air I Breathe, performed by Joe Mettle
Original song by Michael W. Smith
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As I grow in my faith, I run to the throne room with the urgency of a child running into the arms of her father.